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When Mom or Dad is an Alcoholic: Coping Tips for the Family

Your spouse is an alcoholic, and your family life is in chaos. You’ve been trying to do something about it – maybe at the same time that you’re trying to cover it up, trying to fool the outside world into thinking that everything’s okay at your house.  But it’s not.  Alcohol addiction has taken over the life of your spouse – and your family.  The good news is, there are things you can do – while your spouse is drinking, and even if he or she stops – to make things easier on your family life, and on your kids.  This dramatic program takes you into the lives of real people who have embarked on the long road to recovery from addiction, and it shares the intimate struggles of families dealing with this all too common disease.  There are real tips here, solid information on how you can improve your family life until your spouse – the alcoholic parent – can begin to help you turn things around.

Guests:

Patricia O’Gorman, PhD - Chief Psychologist at Berkshire Farm Center; Founding Director, National Council on Alcoholism's Department of Prevention and Education; Previously the Director of the Division of Prevention of the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism; Co-founder of the National Association for Children of Alcoholics; Author of The Lowdown on Families Who Get High, Working with Challenging Families Addiction: A Family System’s Perspective and Dancing Backwards in High Heels: Mastering the Art of Resilience
Marlin Farley -  Father of six, who had a drinking problem
Mary Farley - Marlin’s wife
Jenelle Mooney - Mary and Marlin’s daughter

Tips/Info:

If You Are Parenting with an Addict in the House

  1. Go to Al-Anon for support – for you AND for your family
  2. Take charge of your family – develop consistent daily patterns/routines  (for example, consistent dinner-time whether or not the alcoholic parent shows up on time)
  3. Validate your child’s reality
    • Admit there is a problem
    • Educate your kids about addiction in an age-appropriate way
      • Tell them the addiction to drinking and drugging is an illness; the parent is sick
      • Explain what a blackout is – they don’t remember what happened or what they did
      • Have a Safety Plan – plan in advance what to do if the addicted parent creates serious problems?  The most important element:  Protect your kids
      • Set limits on the addict – for example, don’t let your kids ride in a car when he or she is using
      • Set limits on yourself:
        1. Find other adults to help you
        2. Do not lean on your children for emotional, financial or physical support
        3. LET YOUR CHILDREN REMAIN CHILDREN – don’t put onto them the burden of becoming the adult and taking care of the family or the parents
      • Be a good example
        1. Be realistic as to what you expect of yourself and of your children
        2. Apologize when wrong
        3. Give compliments
        4. Encourage your children to express themselves
        5. Show your love
      • Why is “showing your love” particularly important?  Because kids often feel that if their parents loved them, they would not “use”.  It is very important for the non-using parent to compensate for this by showing their own love to the child.
        1. Tell them that you love them
        2. Tell them that the using parent loves them but cannot show it because they are ill
        3. Say love is present, but just not available while the other parent is so sick

If You Are a Recovering Addict Who Is a Parent

  1. Remember that being a recovering addict is only one of the many roles you have.  The most important role you have for your children is as parent.
  2. Teach your children about addiction in an age appropriate way
    • For young children, speak about the addicted parent having an allergy
    • For older children, speak about inherited problems such as diabetes and addiction – both need diet, understanding and controls
  3. Create a balance between your recovery and your family responsibilities
  4. Own your feelings and allow your children to have theirs
  5. Think before you act – even if it is something well-intentioned that you want to do
  6. Keep a “child-centered” rather than a “self-centered” focus in speaking to your children
  7. Remember that progress, not perfection, needs to be your parenting goal

If You Are a Caregiver For a Child of an Addict

  1. Monitor to see if the child is assuming adult responsibilities
    • Try to create opportunities for the child to be a child
    • See if you can encourage a parent to sign up for the breakfast or school lunch program
    • See about after-school programs
  2. Monitor for possible sexual abuse
  3. Monitor for drug or alcohol abuse by the child
  4. If the child appears to have:
    • Learning disabilities
    • Behavioral problems
    • A concerning level of social problems
    • Difficulties in communication
      … Know that these could be signs of trauma

If You are an Adult Child of an Addict who is a Parent or Foster Parent

  1. Know that you have survived and that you are resilient – you can bounce back and you have, for you are an adult now!
  2. Learn to move beyond the past so that you do not traumatize your own children
    • Share information in an age-appropriate way.
    • Remember – Re-living your own trauma is not healthy, but you will at times have flash-backs to your own remembered pain
  3. Know that normal is a goal that will be confusing
    • Realize that feeling jealous of your children occasionally is normal
    • At times you will act like an 8-year-old when you need to be the adult – acknowledge this, re-group and move on
  4. Parent with love and know your children need guidance, not control
  5. Encourage your children to express their feelings, and then validate their feelings
  6. Let your children help you remember what it is like to play
  7. Remember life is not black and white

12 Steps of Parenting

  1. Admit powerlessness over your ability to protect your children from pain and become willing to surrender to your love and not your control
  2. Find hope in the belief that recovery is possible through faith and willingness to work on yourself
  3. Reach out for help and acknowledge that you are not alone
  4. Take stock in yourself as a parent
  5. Learn to share your parenting issues with others without self-recrimination
  6. Become ready to change by giving up the demand to be perfect
  7. Make conscious changes in your parenting by identifying specific strategies for healthy parenting
  8. Take responsibility for the effect your parenting has had on your children and learn self-forgiveness
  9. Make amends to your children through healthy parenting without over-compensating
  10. Model being honest with yourself and your children and create acceptance in your family for imperfection
  11. Learn to accept your limits in life and find your true spiritual path while allowing your children theirs
  12. Reach out to other parents in the spirit of giving and community

Resources:

Groups / Websites

Al-Anon and Alateen Familty Groups
http://www.al-anon.org/
1-888-4AL-ANON

Alcoholics Anonymous
http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/

Faces and Voices of Recovery
http://www.facesandvoicesofrecovery.org/

Patricia O’Gorman’s Web Site
http://www.ogormandiaz.com/


Books:
The Lowdown on Families Who Get High by Patricia O’Gorman, PhD and Philip Diaz, MSW